Our old old cat has been ill for a week. In fact, when we took him to the vet last Friday and the vet said we should feed him little and often and keep an eye on him, and give him this and that pill at this and that time we looked at each other and commented that it would be difficult to impose that on our neighbours while we were on holiday. At which point the vet said: "Well, how about euthanasia, then?" And when we protested he said "After all, he's living on borrowed time." At that point we had taken him in because he hadn't improved much in four days, and the weekend was coming up. But he could walk, talk, purr - no temperature and blood test results showing good liver, kidney and thyroid function. Not very well - but not quite ready for the final needle. So the vet really offered the option of death as a way for us to go on our holiday. Which has made us very rebellious against his cynicism and hardness.
We had delayed our flight at great expense with British Airways to Tuesday from Saturday - the agreement being together that if we then didn't go on Tuesday (tomorrow) we would cancel the holiday. So tonight we were all set to go, mostly packed, but very reluctantly, the neighbours are briefed, they even have a burial plot in the garden, just in case (can't believe I'm writing that dry-eyed, it's just I don't believe it). And until last night Oscar was improving. But this evening... he's off his food again and weird.
And we are riven with doubts - guilt, potential guilt. Our trip is two full weeks. What would we feel like if the cat got sicker, if he died, if the other cat is left home alone, if our neighbours have to deal with it all, even if they just have to deal with our constant phone calls. And then... if he did die, would we just stay there and go 'never mind' and potter down to the beach feeling a bit depressed? Can't see it. And.if we stay and he lives...well that's great. And we would say... wasn't it lucky that we went after all.

But what about the fact that to 'save' our house rental (we've rented the same house for years) we have suggested that we take the holiday off season (October) to save our landlords being out of pocket, which is nice of them anyway as we owe them the booked time. So if Oscar survives the summer - do we feel the same in the autumn? Just transferring the problem?

My sister, having recently nursed her old dog to easeful death, thinks that we have an instinct about Oscar, and that probably the situation will be 'resolved' by the autumn - to be brutal Oscar will either have died or we will have come to terms with him being much weaker and older. I can't believe I'm saying this, as we will be devastated - I mean devastated by his departure. We have had him for 22 years - that's an incredible amount of time and he is so much part of our daily lives. Such a personality.

Anyway here I am - it's half past ten, the bags will have to be unpacked, clothes unchosen, laptops unpacked, lists thrown away - and we'll have to go shopping tomorrow as the house is empty of food!